Sunday, April 25, 2010
I think to myself, how in the hell did I get to this place of emotional darkness once again ?
Why I’ve succumb to laying alone at night with crying tears in my bed?
I think of hidden up pain, built up anger and sadness, mental and emotional frustration and suppression.
Just all the things that I have unfortunately decided to keep within myself as my trust for tons of people, is now not a part of my ungiven action and unreturned satisfaction.
Damn, I ask again why and when the fuck …did I get here again? To this unforeseen place of gloomy and internal darkness where the shadow of a person that I see at times is ME.
I think of all the people from my life who the uttered words saying ” I will be there” but now walk around and leave me with no real Fucking care. I begin to think again to myself “Why are the ones whom you love and trust…. are the ones whom hold the most power to HURT you?
Hmm, or is it just me that has given those close; the power of hurting me, I don’t know and wonder if I truly care? You see I’ve now decided to allow my heart and I too grow into an element of being cold .
Go without the good understanding of emotions and even potential real feelings,
To stop myself from potentially caring and loving so much to be in a dusty box and not being fucking touched. Hmm, I have decided to allow myself to go this far.
And at the end I have realized it’s just me and myself and I with my soul again; that I was discarded with no real hope, destination and outlet. I feel like it’s gone just like the person that use I be..... which was all of me.
So as I lay here in this bed with all this hidden deepen emotion…. I keep in mind to know not to have any major huge expectations of anyone because it always leads itself to some type of disappointment. When you have no expectations, plus added no disappointment, it equals to no future heartache and pain.
© C.P 2010