Music & Wine

Music & Wine

I woke up with the urge to write, listening to some music and while sipping my wine.

At times, I wish this certain pain could go away sooner than later. I trusted someone and got emotionally/mentally screwed over so bad in return. After being so utterly reassured of different things from them. I fooled myself through their lack of actions. My heart hurts so badly when I think of this. I had to admit to this pain internally.

Pain changes you and at times it's not for the better. I watch as I gave all the care in the world for someone who deserved none of it. My foolish heart and feelings were a part of this, getting caught up in your believable words, filled with deceit. I have questions that I had to ask myself like why am I surprised? Why did I tolerate such things? I do blame myself in this and accept my part of the pain. Trust that was once received is now broken with quickness.

 Painfully, I had to learn you can't walk in, giving your heart all naively.

Writing this was so hard for me, I tried to hold back those tears. Torn in between a rock and hard place of where I had to face the facts and my tears. Emotionally I may feel broken, just thinking of all that I had succumb myself to, some days are better than others. But I will go on for sure, like I do every day, I just had to reflect mentally.

I have to forgive my heavy hurting heart and me, for not wanting to see that a person didn't see the real me. The vulnerability that I carry from this situation is so real. I'm letting it free flow, right here and now. When it comes to the matters of your heart, you can't always share freely with everyone. I call it baring my soul. I'm doing the baring for me; truthfully it's not for everyone to know. 

Along the way, I had to realize I deserved way more than anyone could ever give me right now. Music and wine, yeah it does something to me in a calming way. Pain is never to be considered love and love is not be pain, for that's disappointment.

Never wait to see if a person who love or cares for you, to see or find the value of you. If they haven't seen it they'll never see it. See the value in yourself always.

Written by:

Poetic_ Butterfly

©July 19, 2015

I realized

I realized

I realized one of the hardest things I had to do was let the one who’ve hurt me go.

It was like pain and sorrow became all of me.

Letting the one who I once thought loved and cared for me go, felt like my heart got beaten repeatedly. 
I trusted you with everything and all you did was give me your lies and betrayal in return.

Flashbacks to the sorrow hit me again. It was like a rush of reality came breezing by to save me.

All the lies, pain and constant abuse, mentally I thought back and didn’t want to re-live through all of that again

Constantly asking myself this question while tears flowed down my gloomy face

How and why could I LOVE someone who enjoyed hurting me?

Now I know not to question myself or ask why? But to realize the truth was in my face the answers staring at me “Echoing loud and clear Saying: “You need to go back to LOVING yourself and to never let that GO”.

I realized that I needed to look deeper within, to never allow someone to steal my happiness ever again.

By: Poetic_Butterfly

© C.P 2012

03/31/2012

As I

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As I ……

 As I sit here and think of all the shit people in my life have said .

I think to myself, how in the hell did I get to this place of emotional darkness once again ?

Why I’ve  succumb to laying alone at night with crying tears in my bed?

I think of  hidden up pain, built up anger and sadness, mental and emotional frustration and suppression.

Just all the things that I have unfortunately decided to keep within myself as my trust for tons of people, is now not a part of my ungiven action and unreturned satisfaction.

Damn,  I ask  again why and when the fuck …did I get here again? To this unforeseen place of gloomy and internal darkness where the shadow of a person that I see at times is ME.

I think of all the people from my life who the uttered words saying ” I will be there” but now walk around and leave me with no  real Fucking care. I begin to think again to myself “Why are the ones whom you love and trust…. are the ones whom hold the most power to HURT you?

Hmm, or is it just me that has given those close; the power of hurting me, I don’t know and wonder if I truly care?  You see I’ve now decided to allow my heart and I too grow into an element of being  cold .

Go without the good understanding of emotions and even potential real feelings,

To stop myself from potentially caring and loving so much to be in a dusty box and not being fucking touched. Hmm, I have decided to allow myself to go this far.

And at the end I have realized it’s just me and myself and I with my soul again; that I was discarded with no real  hope, destination and outlet. I feel like it’s gone just like the person that use I be..... which was all of me.

So as I lay here in this bed with all this hidden deepen emotion…. I keep in mind to know not to have any major huge expectations of anyone because it always leads itself to some type of disappointment. When you have no expectations, plus added no disappointment, it equals to no future heartache and pain.

By: Poetic_Butterfly

 © C.P 2010

04/25/2010